Brandon Starr's blog. Updated daily since March 2003. Welcome. Make yourself comfortable. Have a hot chocolate.

Brandon Starr's blog is not to be taken internally. All humor is intentional, unless indicated otherwise.
Do not read while operating heavy machinery. May cause intracranial short circuiting.
Not for children under four days of age.

If for some reason you wish to contact Brandon Starr, take a moment and reconsider.
No? Ah, well. His email is
It's your fault now, and don't blame me when it all goes terribly, terribly wrong.

New fiction story! Click here for "The Voice of Cassandra."

Click here for my ongoing novel: "The History of Magic in the 21st Century."

Click here for the lowdown on "The History of Magic"

Click here for my new investing blog, "Adroit Investor"

Click here for my anti-Bush shirts.

Click here for my favorite design: the 'tourist safety shirt.'

Brandon Starr is available in small, medium, and large. Contents may settle during shipping. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Open carefully; contents under pressure. Do not incinerate. May be habit-forming--do not take if you are gassy or under the influence of mimosas. Improved; now non-staining. Ships in all colors, except puce. Prompt refund if not satisfied--simply return unused portion. All queries promptly ignored. Complaints resolved with deep, gut-blasting laughter, followed by posting complaints on nearest public wall. Not responsible for sunburns. All your base are belong to us. Act now. Beware cheap imitations. Insist on the original--Brandon Starr.

Update notification by email available below.

Some fun/useful/useless links:

The Internet Movie Database

My cousin back from Iraq, and how it changed me (my current favorite entry on this blog)

My product page

Fun blogs:

infinitus opinio

Siren's Song

the mechanical jive

The Strange World

Thunderstorms in the Imajica


Elven Sarah

Random Musings (Catcher)

Certifiable Princess (Sarah 2)

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
What do you get when you mix a horny pastor... and brimstone sermons, and sexual repression?

A pastor who forces his congregants to have sex with him to protect them from the devil.
No joke today.  This is really another religious leader who is actually a pervert abusing his position.  Amazing.  A healthy skepticism would protect so many people from this crapola.

Reclaim your brain:  drop your religion.   (Hmmm, maybe a Zazzle-worthy slogan.)

Oh, okay, maybe one more joke (yep, straight outta the mind of yours truly once again):

How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Officially just one, but the exit polls indicated it would take fifty-seven.


Posted at 01:53 pm by brandonstarr
Comments (6)  

Monday, November 29, 2004
How many Republicans does...

(another joke by yours truly)

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?


one to blame Clinton for the last light bulb burning out;

one to take the no-bid contract;

one to praise Jesus for inventing the light bulb;

one to give you rolling blackouts;

and one to find a way to pollute groundwater with the old bulb.

Then who changes the light bulb?

No one.  Republican ideology says that you now have all the light you need; besides, manual labor is for the little people.

And, on a more self-deprecating basis...

How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None.  Screw in your own light bulb.

Posted at 01:26 pm by brandonstarr
Comments (1)  

Sunday, November 28, 2004
A Bush joke

(written by yours truly)

How many sculptors does it take to make a bust of George W. Bush?

None.  He's already a bust.

Posted at 08:24 am by brandonstarr
Your thoughts?  

Saturday, November 27, 2004
Be spelling

Our son, a little over three and a half, has been showing an interest in spelling lately.

He's been asking how to spell different words.  "How do you spell 'sign?'"  "How do you spell 'juice?'"

We've been writing down certain words on sticky notes and pasting them on the objects in question:  DOOR, FISH, BOOK, WALL, STAR.

The written ones he actually seems to be getting.  For instance, he usually remembers 'door' pretty well.

The first word he learned was his name, Declan, followed quickly by mom and dad.  Well, a few months ago he spelled "Zoo," but it was kind of by accident.  He had a bunch of letter toys in his tub, and Z and O came together, and he recognized "zoo" from a video game he plays.  I handed him another O and asked him where it went, and he plopped it down to form the diphthong.

It's fascinating stuff, watching his little mind expand.  First came the basic sounds.  Then the spoken words.  Then numbers and letters.  Then recognizing a few words after seeing them a lot in books.  Now an interest in spelling.

A lot of times he wants to read, and turns his light back on after we put him to bed.  Then we turn it off after a while.  Then he turns it back on.  It's not an easy thing, to say "don't read" to your kid.  So we usually don't.  But we do encourage him to sleep, and keep turning the light off.  I'm sure from the street his window must look like an aldus lamp.

The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.  He hates going to bed early.  Both my wife and I are also night-owls by nature.  We, too, do a ton of reading.  It's not too hard to figure out why I became a reader--my mom's a librarian.  My wife turned to reading early, as well, and we do what we can to encourage our son.

Enough writing for now.  My son just got out of bed again (it's darn near 10:00 PM) and I want to try to get him to go down to sleep.

Posted at 09:59 pm by brandonstarr
Comments (3)  

Bake your own turkey

It's "Bake your own turkey" weekend at Inventing Situations.

Following in the footsteps of 'Mystery Science Theater 3000,' you can caption screengrabs with your own humorous ideas, to be immortalized for...well, usually about twenty minutes or so.

Usually it's a hodgepodge of industrial shorts and other old bits no one's heard of.

But each Thanksgiving weekend, they work hard to get rights for movies and shorts used in MST3K itself for fans to caption away at.

If you haven't done it before, it's fun.  Check it out.  Let 'em know "BStarr13" sent you.

Posted at 08:37 am by brandonstarr
Comments (2)  

Friday, November 26, 2004
Quick entry on Thanksgiving

Well, it's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm fighting a cold.

I'm not sure if it's a genuine illness or just my body telling me to take it easy.

After waking up at 1:30 AM Thursday morning to go to work, I was already tired.

I managed to make it until 6:15 or so, when I got home.

My wife drove us up to my sister's place in Tacoma.  Though I almost can't sleep in cars, I managed to snooze most of the way.

We had a great time up there.  Good food, nice chats with family, watching my son run around and play.  I even got a quick catnap in.

at about 7:00 PM, we headed home.  By now, my wife was tired, so I drove the way back.

At about 10:00 PM, we were home.  My wife put our son to bed, and I got ready to hit the sack myself.

At 1:30 AM this morning, I got up for work.  By 6:00 AM, I was so tired I basically flopped into bed, asking my wife to let me sleep as long as possible.  I had a sore throat and that odd sensation I get in my stomach if I haven't had enough sleep.

She was nice enough to call her mom and see if she could take Declan for the morning.  So I got a few hours of sleep, and got up at 11:00 AM to go pick him up.  The nap really helped; though I don't feel 100% yet, I do feel a lot better.

But I need more sleep soon.  I'm hoping the writing goes well, so I can take a nap when my son does.

As tired as I was and am, I wouldn't have traded it for any amount of sleep.

Hope your Thanksgiving was great, too!

Posted at 02:06 pm by brandonstarr
Comments (2)  

Wednesday, November 24, 2004
The History of Magic in the 21st Century

I'm writing a novel, titled "The History of Magic in the 21st Century." (Click here to open it in a new window.)  This blog entry is to fill in some details.

What sort of novel is it?

A humorous fantasy novel.  The lowdown:  magic has existed all along, but has recently "woken up" again, leading to all sorts of changes in society and other sorts of craziness.  Think Aldous Huxley meets Douglas Adams meets Stan Lee.

So how does this work?

The unique part is, I'm writing it day-by-day, and putting it up online for anyone to read.


Well, yes.  There are lots of blogs with stories, even novels, but they write them ahead of time and just post them in chunks.  Here you'll actually be reading it as I write it.  So far as I've been able to tell, it's unique.

But will it be any good?

Well, it's going to be a mostly-readable, hopefully-amusing first draft.

Do you really think you can write a novel from start to end?

Most novels aren't written that way.  But yes, I think I can.  Why?  Because I've
done it before.  I wrote the linked horror novel bit by bit from story beginning to story end, and gave it to my wife and friends as I did so.

Why blog it online?

Two reasons:

1)  By making a public declaration that I'll be writing, it'll be a strong incentive for me not to slack off.  It's an online version of how I wrote the other novel.

2)  By making it public, hopefully I'll get some interest in the novel being published at some point.  (The horror novel was completed, but never published.)

But what if it sucks?

I'm willing to take that risk.

No, really, what if it sucks?

I realize that all writing, and especially humor, gets way better after it's polished.  But I've been thinking about this novel a long time, and I think I can make even the first draft reasonably interesting and funny.  Plus, I'm likely to go over each day's writing at least once before posting it.  So first draft or not, it'll have a bit of editing done already.

What if I want to comment?

There are lots of ways on the
History of Magic blog.  There's a tagboard for general comments, comment areas for each posting if you have something to say specific to that part of the novel, or you can email me at with longer or private comments.

What about this, your regular blog?

I still plan on doing daily entries, like always.  The multiple-entries-per-day may go away, since I'll be spending more time writing and less surfing the Internet.

And you promise to write every day?  EVERY day?

Well, just like my regular blog, I can't write if I'm away from my computer for the day, such as on holidays.  If you want, you can sign up for email notification at the History of Magic blog, or just add it to your Favorites to come back occasionally.  But yes, every day I plan on posting at least something, come hell or writer's block.

Posted at 03:06 pm by brandonstarr
Comments (7)  

Excellent online site: "Mom's Cancer"

"Mom's Cancer" is the cartoonist's story of his family as their mom battles metastasized cancer.

A great story well-told.  A strong amount of insight into the disease, his reactions, and the reactions of his family members makes this well worth the time it takes to read.

Like many modern cartoons, this is hardly a comedy-fest.  But he does find a surprisingly large number of moments with at least something humorous in them.

But there are even more that are deadly serious.

Check it out.

Posted at 10:36 am by brandonstarr
Your thoughts?  

Tuesday, November 23, 2004
One way to keep Jared slim...

...charge him $28,000 per sandwich:  Online casino buys "Virgin Mary" cheese sandwich for $28,000.

The casino is already hawking "Virgin Mary Sandwich" T-shirts.

Hey, at least some good is coming out of all this insanity.

Me, I'm still working on my burn-scraping-technique to form my own "sacred" sammiches.*

(and I still say it looks more like Marlene Dietrich than any "Virgin Mary.")

* I sometimes pronounce "sandwich" the Tom Servo way.

Posted at 09:02 am by brandonstarr
Comments (1)  

Monday, November 22, 2004
SpaceShipOne named Time's Invention of the Year

SpaceShipOne is Time's Invention of the Year
They were particularly impressed by the foldable wings, which extend out to slow the ship's fall back into the atmosphere.  It slows the descent so much that heat tiles are not required, unlike the typical NASA plunge-like-a-rock version.

Nothing like a little competition to create some exciting ideas.

Congrats again to that remarkable device and its even more remarkable inventors and pilots.

Posted at 08:57 am by brandonstarr
Comments (1)  

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